Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is

   I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from KFC for making this post possible!

   I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks

   Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do?

   45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on

   Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords

   If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.

   That awkward moment in a business meeting when your boss tells you to "Quit clicking that damn pen!" but you need to click it one more time to write with it.

   "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

   Why does the MSM keep referring to the Parkland shooting as a "senseless tragedy"? I mean, come on. Is there any such thing as a "sensible tragedy"? It's a tragedy; just leave it at that.

   Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

   No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.