Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Did Bruno Mars catch that grenade? Haven't heard from him in a while...
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 13:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining to you why you're wrong.
←Rate | 08-24-2019 09:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement without movement.
←Rate | 08-24-2019 19:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon These days it is getting hard to tell if it's flirting or trolling.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
←Rate | 08-25-2019 15:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 13:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
←Rate | 09-21-2019 08:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:44 Comments (0)  




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