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Did Bruno Mars catch that grenade? Haven't heard from him in a while...
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08-23-2019 12:21
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Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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08-23-2019 12:57
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Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
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08-23-2019 12:59
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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08-23-2019 13:20
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I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining to you why you're wrong.
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08-24-2019 09:32
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The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement without movement.
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08-24-2019 19:29
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These days it is getting hard to tell if it's flirting or trolling.
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08-25-2019 08:03
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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08-25-2019 15:50
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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08-25-2019 16:12
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Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
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08-25-2019 16:18
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My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.
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08-25-2019 16:22
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I asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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08-26-2019 12:35
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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08-26-2019 12:49
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Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death
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08-26-2019 12:54
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I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
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08-26-2019 13:58
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."
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09-06-2019 12:30
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I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
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09-21-2019 08:16
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Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend
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09-26-2019 13:36
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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09-26-2019 13:44
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Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.
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09-26-2019 13:44
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