Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.

   Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

   I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

   'We do not eat anything we find in the couch' is apparently something I have to say now.

   I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....

   Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

   If you are ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment.

   The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

   Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer.

   Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

   I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!

   If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.

   Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

   there a deadbeat son-in-law of all bombs somewhere complaining about his mother-in-law of all bombs?

   I say, Tiffany Cormier has some pretty interesting things to say.

   "You complete me" ~ Me talking to my phone charger.

   When people say; I was thinking, Most weren't really.

   :) Fun fact: Coca cola (coke) and other cola drinks would be green if not for the caramel coloring they add to it.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. I need bail money.