Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't know them personally. Don't take what they say personally.

   I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers

   Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes

   Everybody thinks its so great that Michelangelo painted the chapel ceiling on his back but nobody talks about how long his arms were

   Can't wait till Feb 15th.........otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate/Cake day

   Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

   When a kitten is chasing shadows it's all "Aww's" but when I do it, all I get is strange looks & pointing.

   I was super lazy today. It’s like regular lazy but I wear a cape.

   I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing.

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   Maybe Gaston was just being honest about his abilities to put on a great musical performance every night at the tavern

   Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is......

   I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user.

   Thunderstruck just played at the gym and now I'm drunk on the treadmill...

   I didn't change my clocks because I decided to relive the past. There are so many things I'm going to do differently this time.

   Why does everyone keep asking me how to change their clock? My Betamax has been blinking midnight since 1983...

   I bet now Martin Shkreli wish he had that anti-parasite medicine

   Whenever a convo is going badly and you want out, just say "and that's when I became a vegan."

   [during sex] Hey, thanks for doing this with me.