Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

   I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

   "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?

   On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.

   Hurricanes ✔️ Fires ✔️ Tiger running loose ✔️ Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up

   Hey here is something I learned and wanted to pass along -- you can donate to the Hurricane Relief fund and not tell anyone.

   we need funny material not people who think they are funny

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

   I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.

   The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.