Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 150 of 6370
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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08-08-2019 06:10
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I'm at that age where food makes me fat.
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09-24-2019 15:35
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"buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?
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10-08-2019 17:53
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On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.
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04-10-2017 11:30
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Hurricanes ✔️ Fires ✔️ Tiger running loose ✔️ Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
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09-08-2017 17:33
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Hey here is something I learned and wanted to pass along -- you can donate to the Hurricane Relief fund and not tell anyone.
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09-27-2017 00:21
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we need funny material not people who think they are funny
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02-06-2014 18:06
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Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
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01-23-2016 06:49 by huck
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If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
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04-12-2016 01:02
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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04-15-2016 05:38
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I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter
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05-07-2017 04:05 by Eddy
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?
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05-30-2017 07:28
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'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be
I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
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07-31-2017 17:46
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I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.
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08-02-2017 07:48
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Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.
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08-21-2017 00:52
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Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.
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09-09-2017 14:14
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The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.
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09-12-2017 09:04
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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09-16-2017 14:47
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