Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but… it is 4th of July and I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

   ..... The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze .....

   It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant

   Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?

   Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

   On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.

   Hurricanes ✔️ Fires ✔️ Tiger running loose ✔️ Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up

   Hey here is something I learned and wanted to pass along -- you can donate to the Hurricane Relief fund and not tell anyone.

   I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He asked “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said “Homer is a fat bald man and Marge has blue hair.”

   writing, "He owed me $50" in the funeral guest book wrong?

   I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

   I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

   "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?

   Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.

   we need funny material not people who think they are funny

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.