Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

   Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.

   Yeti has a beer coozie that will keep a beer cold for over an hour. I don't think they understand how beer drinking works.

   There are no Walmart stores in Syria, only Targets.

   I ran into my ex the other day...hit reverse...and ran into her again.

   “I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but… it is 4th of July and I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

   I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He asked “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said “Homer is a fat bald man and Marge has blue hair.”

   writing, "He owed me $50" in the funeral guest book wrong?

   I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

   I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

   "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?

   Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.

   On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.

   Hurricanes ✔️ Fires ✔️ Tiger running loose ✔️ Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up

   Hey here is something I learned and wanted to pass along -- you can donate to the Hurricane Relief fund and not tell anyone.

   It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant

   Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?

   ..... The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze .....