SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.

   If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.

   False praise helps no one. That's why I tell children exactly how terrible their drawings are. It's called Managing Expectations.

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.

   Taco Bell is human Drano

   It's not really such an "Easy-Bake" oven when you're trying to cook a pot roast. This is taking *forever*.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

   I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.

   You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED!

   I'm not trying to sound racist, but all fireworks look alike.

   I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

   BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.

   Don't you think it's time we start referring to flat screen TVs, simply as TVs?

   I call one of my coworkers "Adobe Updater" because she tries to be helpful, but she's really just annoying.

   You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn't stolen.

   This is a plea for help; can we please make commercials and tv shows the same volume again?

   I'm calling into work sick-of-this-sh!t.

   Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

   People treat you differently when you're holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs.