Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang

   FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.

   I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan

   300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?

   Ugh,,, This oatmeal tastes like It's gonna need a donut.

   Thirty five people died from eating cantaloupe in Jan. And that,, right there, should be this years new slogan for Krispy Kreme.

   If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago

   Where do residents of Hawaii win all expenses paid vacations to?

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.

   If I owned a copy shop, I'd only hire identical twins to work there.

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   Pull up to the gas pump,,tanks on the wrong side.. Did a u-ie,,Tanks still on the wrong side... I quietly got back in my car and left.

   The U.S. men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics this week,,,,, upsetting nearly 10 Americans.

   I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential...

   I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.