Sean Funny Status Messages

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.......

   Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

   I'm going to write a WalMart How to Guide, it will ask questions like 1. Does this shirt make me look like a broken can of Pillsbury biscuits? 2 It's 13 degrees out, should I really wear a long sleeve T, shorts and flip flops?

   My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614

   Recognizing Cuba, bastion of human oppression, is an insult to our noble allies in Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Yemen, Iraq, Pakistan and Texas.

   Minivans with stick figure families let burglars know exactly how many adults, children, dogs, cats, turtles and fish they'll need to tie up.

   When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one's late to the Hoobastank concert.

   Yo bro, I wasn't sold on you being a cool dude, but that tint job on your Neon really speaks to me.

   Dear neighbors, If you hear a lot of screaming and cussing please do not worry and/or call the police. I am cleaning out my garage and have Arachnophobia

   I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..

   maybe congress should hire Nik Wallenda to balance the budget...

   Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

   To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is.

   When I see a guy standing alone in front of a movie theater, I just want to go up to him and say "She told me to tell you she's not coming."

   With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have another AWESOME face book status update .

   I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.

   I didn't think my hangover was that bad until I spent 10 minutes logging into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch

   Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.