Aaron Funny Status Messages

   When I read about yet another overnight shooting in the ghetto I can't help but sigh at the senselessness and hope it wasn't my drug dealer.

   If I could do a back flip you'd know it because that's how I would exit every room.

   Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn't even have to happen at all.

   I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

   Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me."

   At the Photography Studio: "First, we'll shoot you, then we'll blow you up, then you can go home and hang yourself."

   I drank my 8 glasses of water today. Well... 90% water anyway, there may have been some barley, hops, and yeast mixed in there for taste

   Not all mushrooms give you an extra life.

   I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."

   I've been voted Most Likely.

   "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

   I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.

   I would love to start working out, but I'm beefing up for my "before" picture.

   I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

   I don't wanna brag but that was the most perfectly executed 16 point turn of my life.

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the f*ck up" be a virtue?

   This dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

   I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

   I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.