hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   A night of insomnia is always followed by a morning of browser history clearing.

   I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.

   I hate looking for a job almost as much I hate not having a job almost as much as I hate working. It's complicated.

   Ladies. dont jump to conclusions that your boyfriend is cheating just because he never wants you to look at his phone. Its probably just full of porn

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.

   If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?

   Hate when I'm having a great day and someone speaks to me.

   When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...I feel like I just won the lottery.

   The hotel is mad at me for getting a haircut in the jacuzzi. Sorry for trying to look nice at a Holiday Inn.

   Just sang every word of Adele's "Someone Like You" and all this girl said was "Do you understand why I pulled you over?" Rude.

   To make sure your neighbor knows it was their car alarm that went off, it can be helpful to put a cinderblock through their windshield.

   Louis Vuitton's selling $68 condoms? Fine by me. Anyone idiotic enough to spend that much money on a condom probably shouldn't breed.

   If I'm ever in an accident while driving and updating my status and you're the first person to arrive on the scene, grab my phone and press "Post."

   It's bullsh!t that 1-800-PET-MEDS won't deliver medicinal marijuana to my dog.

   You know....spring must be just around the corner....I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater....who needs a dumbass groundhog?

   If you're going to stalk me at least notice when I'm running low on toilet paper & change the roll.

   The really great thing about working in the concert business is there is absolutely no way to prove that the weed smell is coming from me.

   If you pay a 55-year-old chain-smoking divorcee named Babs to sit nearby and drink beer, Wii Bowling gets a lot more realistic.

   Yesterday I changed the name of my WiFi to 'Hack if you can'. Today it was called 'Challenge Accepted'

   I hate it when people call me as I'm about to use my phone and I accidentally answer it.