andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do

   if I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn't want to be me on that day

   I run a support group for cats that have never had their pics posted on the internet.

   “Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.

   Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.

   "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

   I dream about naps.

   The 78th Rule of Fight Club: When it’s your turn to bring the snacks, be respectful of your peers’ food allergies.

   The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.

   Doritos has a new flavor named Street Taco. Which used to be my rap name.

   Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.

   that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?

   Calm down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.

   Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

   Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

   A sandwich should be grilled until inside is warm & bread starts to crisp. Not until inside is nuclear & bread becomes a turtle shell.

   I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense

   I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

   A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.