jitney Funny Status Messages

   I heard on the radio a statistic that said that one out of three women in miami is pretty. I looked to the right...wow...I looked to the left...wow...I hit the car in front of me and a woman came out...wow.. Who the hell is collecting data?

   Reasons 1 why Florida is considered the "Pitbull" State by the Press....We have 3 categories of last minute of lazyass late voters: Latinos, Blacks and Senior Citizens. you can have 2months of early voting and that ish wont ever change!!!

   Im designing a New perfume for all the girls who forgot to shave, It's called "Forever Alone"......... It smells like a Cruise ship on fire at sea!

   Walked into Walmart and met a woman who had one callus on her toe. Does that make her a unicorn? Imagine that You can see unicorns at Walmart

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills, Since I'm sleeping on the couch !!!

   I'm sorry to say, I won't be on Facebook anymore,.....see there's this ticket that I played today, and long story short....I've got to go change my identity now! Bye!

   Because of KIAs recent recalls, the Raphamsters change their tune frm, "You can can with THis or you can with that" to "You can recall This, or you can recall That"

   The Scariest thing I saw on Halloween is the Dolphins playing the Bengals!

   A wife turned down an offer to bury her husband in the Holy Land for $75. When asked why she paid $17,000 to buried him in the US, she said, "she heard a story of a Man who was ressurected back in the day!"

   THAT MOMENT: When the cop car that just pasts you makes a U-turn, you begin to wonder where your car papers at.....

   Hey Budyy...."yeah you who is reading this"......Are you still waiting for something funnny? Give me a sec, I'm getting a BJ.....

   definition of Irony: Pizza & beer with my awesome wife watching Hell'sKitchen Kitchen!!!!

   So did anybody catch X-factor? That BIG BIRD looking chick was singing , more like squacking! guess her future on the line too.

   Are we running out of chickens to eat? Another student found eating brains and heart cops says!

   This girl in class just pulled out an antique camera and asked me to take her a picture.....Anyone remembers how to use those 35mm diposable camera from Walgreens? I totally forgot.. Do I wind it up left or right b4 the picture?

   Another celebrity just died this year....RIP Ronda Rousa Boxing Career

   WE WAS SO BROKE GROWING UP MY MOM USE TO KNOCK MY TEETH OUT JUST SO THE TOOTH FAIRY COULD BRING US SOME MONEY

   Wanna get homeless people excercise and running?....Tell em "FREE SHOES"

   Boy: "Can I buy you a drink?"..................... Girl: "Alcohol is bad for my legs"........... Boy: "Why? Do they Swell?".....Girl: "No, they spread."

   Today My NASDAQ of friend reports: A loss of 3 friends, thats down from last week. So I need funnier jokes ppl!