SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Retired members of the House/Senate get $174k for life. Our veterans get 10% unemployment & a pat on the back. I need to go throw up now.

   Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.

   False praise helps no one. That's why I tell children exactly how terrible their drawings are. It's called Managing Expectations.

   If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.

   I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.

   It's not really such an "Easy-Bake" oven when you're trying to cook a pot roast. This is taking *forever*.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

   Taco Bell is human Drano

   You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED!

   I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

   BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.

   I'm not trying to sound racist, but all fireworks look alike.

   I call one of my coworkers "Adobe Updater" because she tries to be helpful, but she's really just annoying.

   Don't you think it's time we start referring to flat screen TVs, simply as TVs?

   Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

   The road less traveled does not have 3G. I'm turning around.

   People treat you differently when you're holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs.

   Saying "cool" also means, I don't give a sh!t.

   There's no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise.