Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.

   "Living well is the best revenge" Me: *googles second best revenge*

   it, stick a needle in everyone or my body my choice? Pick one.

   Waking up and realizing you’re still not rich.

   Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.

   Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.

   Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.

   You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   Demonstrate how much you suck.

   Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.