Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?
←Rate | 01-06-2018 13:41 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual
←Rate | 01-07-2018 14:37 by MWC Comments (1)  


   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
←Rate | 01-24-2018 16:05 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.
←Rate | 02-07-2018 10:28 by MDS Comments (1)  


   messageicon Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 17:08 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:34 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you
←Rate | 03-04-2018 10:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes
←Rate | 01-11-2018 03:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 19:42 by BobB Comments (0)  


   messageicon I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
←Rate | 01-27-2018 04:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 07:46 by Crewz Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks because he thinks they are stupid
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
←Rate | 03-24-2018 12:31 Comments (0)  


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