Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 15 of 6389
Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.
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05-19-2022 07:33
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In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.
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05-26-2022 06:05
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Might put the tree up and call it a year.
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05-26-2022 06:05
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The word is “butter,” go spread the word.
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06-09-2022 01:46
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How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.
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06-11-2022 01:54
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Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
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07-23-2022 23:24
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Always be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.
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07-08-2022 09:05
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Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
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01-12-2023 01:01
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An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”
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01-12-2023 01:05
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The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”
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01-08-2023 17:25
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Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
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01-13-2023 02:31
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My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.
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01-13-2023 02:44
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You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
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01-18-2023 01:28
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Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.
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01-19-2023 02:01
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Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.
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01-10-2023 01:36
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Waking up and realizing you’re still not rich.
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05-17-2022 06:06
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Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.
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05-26-2022 06:06
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Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.
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05-26-2022 06:09
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Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.
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05-27-2022 00:16
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You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?
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05-27-2022 00:18
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