Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.
←Rate | 10-27-2017 05:40 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
←Rate | 10-28-2017 17:52 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?
←Rate | 10-25-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
←Rate | 04-13-2017 22:34 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.
←Rate | 05-24-2017 15:47 by @breakfastbeerz Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols!
←Rate | 07-10-2017 15:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.
←Rate | 08-30-2017 00:08 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.
←Rate | 09-09-2017 10:05 by Sabrina Comments (0)  


   messageicon I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
←Rate | 09-13-2017 02:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!
←Rate | 09-15-2017 15:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.
←Rate | 09-17-2017 15:15 by Jake Comments (2)  


   messageicon If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 21:48 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 08:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.
←Rate | 11-05-2016 14:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes
←Rate | 03-26-2017 19:33 by Me E Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
←Rate | 03-02-2017 08:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.
←Rate | 04-10-2017 13:27 by Mick Comments (0)  



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