Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.
←Rate | 05-19-2022 07:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.
←Rate | 05-26-2022 06:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Might put the tree up and call it a year.
←Rate | 05-26-2022 06:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The word is “butter,” go spread the word.
←Rate | 06-09-2022 01:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
←Rate | 07-23-2022 23:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Always be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.
←Rate | 07-08-2022 09:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
←Rate | 01-12-2023 01:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”
←Rate | 01-12-2023 01:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.
←Rate | 01-10-2023 01:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Waking up and realizing you’re still not rich.
←Rate | 05-17-2022 06:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.
←Rate | 05-26-2022 06:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.
←Rate | 05-26-2022 06:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:18 Comments (0)  




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