Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.

   Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!

   me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p

   Her: What did you do for fun in college? Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high

   Somebody broke into my house and stole the alarm system.

   Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.

   "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever

   It's Sunny!! Which is kind of like a "It's snowing!" post, but better because it's sunny and not snowing.

   My gift to my therapist is that she is never bored

   Never ask a woman with no teeth for gum

   I don’t win marathons because I’m athletic, I win them because I’m driven

   When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

   Sure, I'll go to your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man.

   If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

   ME: It's quite interesting really. You see, "gym" comes from the greek "gymnós" meaning "naked" YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you're going to need to put on some pants

   The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life. Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

   I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don't care about taking off my shoes at the airport

   Cowboy: This town ain't big enough for the both of us ME: I'll be staying indoors almost all the time Cowboy: ok cool

   After much thought and consideration I've decided not to host the Oscars this year.