Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape but I didn't see any.

   Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

   That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

   Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.

   Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.

   Until this recent Facebook trend I would have never guessed how many people were behind me in line with a gun under their shirt..

   Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!

   The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.

   All my 5yo does is pretend to be a horse galloping around and insists I pretend she's a horse. Well, today she broke her leg.

   Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.

   Based on my experiences in the New York City subway system, Jehovah's Witnesses are a source of renewable energy.

   If you prefer a table over the booth we will never be friends

   I wish getting rich was just as easy as getting fat.

   Teen Slang Update: "Bye, Felicia" has been abbreviated to "Peace, Feleesh".

   Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.

   The number of weeks sisnce giving up coffee is directly proportional to the number of people I've wanted to stab.

   Always wanted to be a Starbucks barista, but that takes too many years of college.

   The more money you spend on a trip the less likely your kids will have a complete meltdown.

   Sometimes say that I use Uber just to sound cool, when in reality I took the city bus.