Snotty Funny Status Messages

   ME: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup... FLY: Wow, there's a spoon in my pool.... GOD: Sorry this world isn't perfect everyone, LOVE the complaining though... * Shakes head

   *gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶

   "Frosted Flakes is a part of this complete breakfast,,, which is also complete if you remove the Frosted Flakes."

   COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School??.. COP: ???... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School,,, Sir?

   Ancestry.com: The southern version of eHarmony.

   The trick to everything is have someone else do it.

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.

   This is a shout out, to those of you on the toilet right now reading this... Have a good dump. Seriously.

   Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.

   Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh

   Animal Kingdom Fact: Cheetos are fastest land munchie

   You guys are SO lucky that I "like" posts on a curve

   What bores me is repetition, i.e. when people repeat themselves. It's boring and repetitive. Boring. Like repetitive posts. They bore me.

   Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate,,, they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Susan is already taken.

   I think we can probably stop worrying about who let the dogs out.... They're probably dead by now anyway.

   Ummm,,,,, Sorry about "car chases",,,,,,, ALL you European outdoor fruit markets,, And cart-vendors

   BREAKING NEWS: Game show hosts going on strike... They know their jobs are in Jeopardy,.. but they won't settle until they can get a contract where The Price Is Right.