Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them

   My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was

   it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

   As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.

   They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

   A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.

   20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.

   80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

   Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

   I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

   I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.

   The dating pool definitely has pee in it

   One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

   My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention: Pick your nose

   Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

   I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"

   This whole Santa should have no gender is crap. Here is how you know Santa is a man. He shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a Ho and leaves while you're asleep.

   I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.

   I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator!