Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

   Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight

   I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house!

   For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns

   When he was told Sanders was stepping down, Joe Biden congratulated him on all that great chicken.

   Five years investigating Trump’s taxes and Biden owes 500k. Lol

   Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.

   Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!

   Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."