Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.

   It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.

   A non-smoker told me that with all the cigarette packs I bought, I could have bought a Ferrari with that money. My reply to him was "Where's your Ferrari?".

   They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

   Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight

   If a supervisor at work gets the Covid, do the people who kiss his ass have to get tested? Asking for a friend.

   I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house!

   When he was told Sanders was stepping down, Joe Biden congratulated him on all that great chicken.

   For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns

   Global Warming is a fictional manufactured crisis and a total scam.

   Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

   It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.

   If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead