Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. she chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me she will never trust another human being again.

   I'd like to invite you to stop inviting me to like your page on facebook.

   It's not you.. It's me. And my inability to tolerate you any longer.

   I'm already an idiot, I just need a village

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..

   If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.

   ..Hey,,, Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his neighbor in the woods?

   Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It's been an hour,,,,

   WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!.............. "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   Keep it down kids,,,, Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.