Sean Funny Status Messages

   I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

   Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

   If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."

   Two of the three times I've jumped out of a moving car, Creed was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.

   I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

   I'm so lazy, if autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I put my phone down.

   I bet you guys can't guess what the Titanic's least favorite kind of lettuce is

   You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

   Rather than throwing four separate birthday parties for my kids I decided to combine the money and get my windows tinted. Sweet.

   Regardless of the results of today's election, I think we can all agree Ann Coulter will say something really stupid about it.

   At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can pee all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

   The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

   Fun Fact: If you wear a shirt and tie into WalMart, people will ask for your autograph because they think you're the President.

   The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.

   I find SpongeBob to be a little self-absorbed.

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games.

   "When there are 700+ customers in the store, all but one cashier must go home."