Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Here's a bit of advice: advi

   Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs

   Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."

   They should make a matchmaking site for single socks.

   MOM: Make your bed! SON: Why make my bed If I'm gonna sleep In It again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass If you are gonna poop again?

   Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.

   "We have a history" = "we used to have sex"

   So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I'm on Facebook, I don't have money or a life.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft

   I hope your favorite football team wins so that it changes your life in no way whatsoever.

   Ladies: that blood curdling scream you just heard was my warrior cry and definitely had nothing to do with a bee chasing me.

   My wife hates it when I drink. Or breathe.

   Let's make humility great again.

   Sorry I slow-clapped your breakup, couple sitting at the table next to me.

   DIVORCE: From first date to court date; you never see it coming.

   The first rule of Women's Fight Club is: We will stew about it for days then scream at you about it and never let you forget it, A$$hole.

   It was a pleasure ruining my life with you.

   How scary stories will be told in the future: “..and that's when he realized HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN.” **everyone screams in terror**

   Parallel lines have got so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

   It's ok to admit when you're wrong. Just don't tell anyone.