SEAN Funny Status Messages

   My guidance councilor had a poster in his office of a kitten hanging from a tree that said "You should probably go ahead and kill yourself."

   Yes, America's the fattest nation on earth but that means were also the funniest when falling off bicycles.

   I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.

   SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die.

   How is the show "Deadliest Catch" not about AIDS?

   I gave my wife a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.

   It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.

   Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!

   Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.

   Why the outrage over Romney's misspelling of "America?" For gosh sake, his parents didn't know how to spell "Matt."

   I would like my Tombstone to read, "He was too Cheap to buy extra lett

   Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.

   I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

   Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?

   When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"

   But seriously John this IS my first rodeo! What am I doing with this angry bull again?

   I just got a new Easy-Bake Oven for the blanket fort, don't tell me how to impress a woman.

   Nicki Minaj is always dressed like a Japanese girl's luggage.