snotty Funny Status Messages

   Did you know xanax and chicken are both gluten free?..... *This diet really isn't that difficult.

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Noah was the size of a cat

   Don't grow up... It's a trap, It's a trap. (read in Admiral Ackbar voice)

   "If anyone here knows why these two should not be married speak now or-"......*Admiral Akbar rises*...... "IT'S A TRAP!!!..."

   " ROXY " the world's most sophisticated talking woman robot has a $75,000 price tag.. The silent version is $ 45,000

   I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had

   My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.

   La, la, la,,♫♪♫,,,,,,I have a structured settlement, but I need crap now....

   If you took all the babies on earth and stacked them head to toe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, That would be kidnapping.

   On Fridays I like to spend my lunch at the old folks home dragging my feet around the carpet and shocking them...... I saved 8 lives last month

   I don't get what the big deal is: the entire Republican platform is plagiarized from my uncle's drunken Thanksgiving rants.

   Want proof America's getting fatter?? I Almost ran out of gas waiting to make a right turn on a green light. Woman's ass took 5 minutes longer than she did to cross the street..

   To translate Trump at the next debate,, the sign language specialist will just beat up a poor pregnant mexican woman .

   Life is too short to be a basketball player

   Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.

   [Ship Sinking] Captain:We're short on boats, so women & children first... *Guy rubs chin *coughs* I identify as a woman.... Men echo:I'm a woman too!

   When my chatty mom trails me around the store, I fill my cart with condoms, KY, duct tape, rubber gloves, and tequila, singing "Whip It".

   If you're happy and you know it clank your chains.