snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you're not blowing chunks of wedding cake out of your nose for 3 days after the wedding, ,, are you even technically married?

   FYI,,, I never really know when to stop peeling cabbage.

   FYI: A swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild- save for the seldom-seen penfish,,, which is said to "talk alot of smack",, be even mightier than they are.

   Oh,,, Life's all fun and games till you get the first lemon.

   Why do I do this?... Cuz,, Laughter is an instant vacation

   O.K.,, I've got my bucket list.. Now what do I DO with all these buckets.

   The wife says, "Tolerate" would definately be includued in any 2nd wedding marriage vows,,,

   In hindsight,, maybe I shouldn't have kept looking back . . .

   Hmmmm,,, "I've never been on a blind date before," I proclaimed while being jostled around in an unmarked van with a thick cloth hood over my head.

   Children are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective,,, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

   *accidentally taxidermies the wrong end of a lion... * "What a catasstrophy!"

   FRIEND: What is that smell?.. ME: My new Axe spray. Earl Grey Tea, and Yorkshire Pudding.... Friend: *gag* why?... ME: Chicks dig English Axe scents.

   My wife said I have to stop watching Chopped after I packed our son's lunchbox with wild ostrich, candy corn, avocado & rainbow chard.

   "Oh, you're gonna eat the peach cobbler first??,, huh fatty??,,,,, You sicken me." - Mean Cuisine

   Watching that episode where Scooby Doo takes a dump on the kitchen floor and Shaggy beats him mercilessly with an old newspaper...

   It's SO weird to think that before we invented cars,, if you hated someone, you had to key their horse.

   If you had a terrible childhood,,, you're gonna be REALLY-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.

   The world world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   Why can't bakers count?