Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

   Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.

   The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches.....

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

   Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?

   If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?

   This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.

   I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"

   Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way

   Good Morning Inmates

   Every woman likes to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

   So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!

   Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉

   tomorrow, a very large shipment of President Clinton merchandise will get shipped to some under developed country

   You hoes saying you're leaving America but can't even leave your boyfriend after he's cheated on you 32 times

   Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan

   I just found my old Boom Box up in the attic. Anyone have 56 D-size batteries I can borrow?

   "Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?