Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
←Rate | 11-19-2021 11:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.
←Rate | 04-15-2017 02:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches.....
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
←Rate | 06-20-2017 08:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
←Rate | 08-07-2017 23:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?
←Rate | 09-07-2017 11:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?
←Rate | 09-09-2017 12:18 Comments (1)  


   messageicon This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.
←Rate | 10-27-2019 15:06 by kisstoper707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"
←Rate | 01-10-2020 06:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way
←Rate | 03-05-2020 06:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Good Morning Inmates
←Rate | 04-04-2020 08:46 by Mckibb Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every woman likes to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.
←Rate | 05-14-2020 08:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!
←Rate | 07-17-2020 12:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉
←Rate | 11-08-2016 22:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon tomorrow, a very large shipment of President Clinton merchandise will get shipped to some under developed country
←Rate | 11-09-2016 00:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You hoes saying you're leaving America but can't even leave your boyfriend after he's cheated on you 32 times
←Rate | 11-09-2016 12:40 by @1_Jack_Jacko Comments (0)  


   messageicon Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan
←Rate | 11-14-2016 12:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just found my old Boom Box up in the attic. Anyone have 56 D-size batteries I can borrow?
←Rate | 12-31-2016 16:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.
←Rate | 02-12-2017 14:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?
←Rate | 03-05-2017 14:19 by Mick Comments (0)  




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