Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1338 of 6446

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
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11-19-2021 11:27
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.
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04-15-2017 02:30
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The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches.....
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04-28-2017 07:45
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If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
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06-20-2017 08:51
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75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
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08-07-2017 23:12
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Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?
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09-07-2017 11:54
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If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?
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09-09-2017 12:18
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This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"
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01-10-2020 06:31
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Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way
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03-05-2020 06:28
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Good Morning Inmates
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04-04-2020 08:46 by Mckibb
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Every woman likes to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.
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05-14-2020 08:02
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So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!
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07-17-2020 12:33
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Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉
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11-08-2016 22:59
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tomorrow, a very large shipment of President Clinton merchandise will get shipped to some under developed country
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11-09-2016 00:55
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You hoes saying you're leaving America but can't even leave your boyfriend after he's cheated on you 32 times

Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan
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11-14-2016 12:54
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I just found my old Boom Box up in the attic. Anyone have 56 D-size batteries I can borrow?
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12-31-2016 16:54
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"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.
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02-12-2017 14:21
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Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?
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03-05-2017 14:19 by Mick
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