snotty Funny Status Messages

   COP: can you describe the man that attacked you?..... TEACHER: I don't know, CAN I describe him?...... COP: *heavy sigh* MAY you describe him

   I made a poem for my coworkers.. " Don't bother me at lunch,,, Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch.."

   Every time two or more motorcycles ride side by side on the road,,, a bald eagle is gently wrapped in an American flag by The Lord.

   FYI: A great white shark, is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

   I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

   I get called into cat-boss office,,, *Boss staring intensely at red dot on wall... "Cancel all my appointments I'm not to be disturbed".... "Yes Sir."

   Time is the only real enemy......* JK. It’s spiders.

   Before Facebook, I used to write this stuff on slips of paper and put them in the pockets of unsold pants at Old Navy.

   I just heard that my ex-wife has started dating again,,, and here I am with no popcorn.

   "I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped

   WOW,,,, my nana REALLY can't take a punch anymore

   Turn the wrong way and the b*tch on the GPS won't shut up. .. *my marriage advice to my boys

   So,,, One time, I walked around with a smart car stuck in my teeth for like 4 hours before someone finally said something to me

   I visited my Proctologist today & he informed me that my condition might be rectified

   Experts say Donald Trump has suffered the worst week of his political career until next week.

   His dad was Mexican, His mother Italian, Both were Jedi Masters..... He's, Old Bean Juan Cannoli. (lol, I'm not even sorry)

   Micheal J. Fox and Muhammad Ali met for the first time yesterday........ And yes,, They are Still shaking hands..

   Eat a banana lengthwise if you don't want anyone to sit by you.

   We have great news. We're pregnant!... Awesome! Do you know the sex yet?...Of course we know "the sex",, How do you think we got pregnant, silly

   Hey, did you know that Bruce...."He goes by Caitlyn now."... Ugh,,, fine. Did you know that Caitlyn Wayne is Batman?