Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I pretty much need a girl to love me for what's on the outside at this point. The inside has been broken for a while and I've been trying to fix it with booze ever since.

   I performed at a charity event last night for women with no legs and I gotta tell ya fellas, that place was just crawling with ass…. Literally!

   Summer: the time of year when parents realize just how grossly underpaid teachers actually are.

   It's funny how the things I like most on a woman are the things I like most on chickens....... "Legs and breast."

   I saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said "Got dope?"

   I'm training for the Super Bowl. Today's menu: 3 dozen wings, sliders, nachos and beer.

   Know your limitations, people. Sometimes certain body cavities just won't stretch that far.

   Fake Love: Her: Good morning love of my life, beat of my heart. Him: God morning sunshine, reason I live. True Love: Her: coffee if you want it. Him: Ehhhh.

   I had a bad day: I need a drink I had a good day: I deserve a drink Blah Blah something something: Let's have a drink

   Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. It's just a picture book with women b!tching.

   It's drizzy outside, expect a Lil Wayne.

   If women were labeled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone messed up here...

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

   Wwhen my wife is angry wit me, instead of giving me the silent treatment..........she jus keeps talking!

   When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.

   Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you.

   ...is lying here unable to sleep, thinking about tomorrow when I'll be lying here unable to wake up.

   If three strikes in bowling is a turkey, then I wish you a happy XXX day tomorrow.

   Good news: I can breathe out of one nostril a little! Bad news: I sound like a tea kettle.

   Beer goggles are a myth. Alcohol doesn't make ugly girls look prettier. It just makes you not care that they are ugly.