Funny Status Messages

   Maybe, just maybe, if more teenagers got their mouths washed out with soap as a child by their parents, these idiots wouldn't be attempting a "Tide Pod Challenge" .....

   How do nudist clean their glasses?

   The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"

   Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.

   All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"

   Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.

   Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at

   If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.

   If you millenials want to know what it was like to talk on a payphone, just lick the handle of a grocery cart.

   does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.

   What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.