huck Funny Status Messages

   he instructions for my funeral are for someone to come up front at the end and padlock my coffin shut just to freak everyone out.

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace

   I was planning on being productive today until I heard Rump Shaker on the radio. Now all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom zoom-zoom in a boom-boom.

   "When I was a kid, we didn't even HAVE the internet!" is the new "I had to walk to school uphill, BOTH WAYS!"

   My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.

   Worst thing about strip clubs is the women totally hog the poles. Maybe I'm really good! At least give me a turn.

   Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.

   Wild horses could drag me away from anything. They're wild horses. The more important question is: who tied me to these wild horses?

   I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like "awesome"

   I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.

   I'm 38 and I have no clue what AM or PM stands for. Nice job, public school system!

   My car is making an odd noise right now, but I treat my car problems like my emotional problems, ignore them until a breakdown.

   "OK...that Trust Exercise didn't go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let's keep quiet about this...AS A TEAM!"

   The jobs report is so bad Obama should fire somebody, but that would only add to the problem.

   According to my horoscope, I'm going to get rich today. According to my Youtube comments, I'm a "douche." Life is confusing.

   I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I'm not sure whether to believe this or not.

   Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try spending a day thinking in my head.

   Reportedly, there are many trucking jobs that no one wants. Attn trucking Industry: make trucking more like the battle at the end of Mad Max II.

   Cringing in regret is my cardio

   85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.