SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?

   I hope Jessica Biel names her first kid Batmo.

   With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.

   Bullsh!t, cheaters ALWAYS win. That's the point of cheating. If you cheated and didn't win, no one would ever cheat.

   The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us.

   They say you're only as old as you feel, so I must be kinda-drunk-and-a-little-hungry years old.

   Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.

   The N-B-A lockout continues. Which explains the 8-foot man cleaning my windshield this morning.

   I don't think the economy has turned around so much as it has backed over us and parked.

   I don't trust my shrink anymore. First, he tells me to speak freely, then he charges me for listening.

   If you ask me to take my shoes off when I enter your house, I will go above & beyond & strip full naked because I'm a terrific guest.

   What a tattoo on your face really means: "I've gone as far in society as I'd like to."

   When my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special extended edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.

   When I say I will NEVER do something, rest assured I'll be doing it within 6 weeks.

   Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.

   Wait - so we're NOT supposed to eat the Silica Gel packet?

   Trying to understand quantum physics. Cause trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.

   Today I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. Also not wearing pants.