Snotty Funny Status Messages

   No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.

   HEY,,, I remember when they had Child Protective Services when I was a kid... And her name was Grandma... Love you Gram !

   Every neck tattoo should just say, 'I owe back child support.'

   We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.

   The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

   Guess what YouTube,,, I will ALWAYS,, “Skip this ad.”

   My ceiling fan has three settings: -- very slow -- Medium ,, and --I'm about to fly off the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

   I'm perfecting a new perfume called "Forever Alone".... It smells like Lean Cuisines and cats.

   "Undecided Voters" are the same people who also slow down the line at McDonald's.

   Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....

   Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation,, even if I'm not sure what it means

   Starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts.

   I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   When you open your heart to someone, there is blood...... LOTS and LOTS of blood... And then you die. So don't open your heart.

   I thought we were gonna buy Mexico, Then fix it up & flip it... What ever happened with that?