Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 13 of 5655

   messageicon To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?
←Rate | 11-01-2017 09:01 by Barber Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.
←Rate | 05-15-2017 09:18 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.
←Rate | 05-23-2017 21:40 by Pj Comments (0)  


   messageicon I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
←Rate | 06-06-2017 08:25 Comments (1)  


   messageicon This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
←Rate | 06-27-2017 02:23 Comments (5)  


   messageicon My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 17:57 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
←Rate | 03-03-2017 07:07 by thejoke.cafe Comments (0)  


   messageicon My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:35 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (1)  


   messageicon Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
←Rate | 02-06-2017 07:50 by Mikey c Comments (1)  


   messageicon If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons
←Rate | 03-26-2017 19:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 16:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slay dragons and rescue her from castle towers. Not wash dishes and clean out the basement.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 12:18 Comments (1)  


   messageicon A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
←Rate | 09-02-2017 15:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
←Rate | 03-08-2017 07:50 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
←Rate | 03-05-2017 18:16 by X Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
←Rate | 04-15-2017 02:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:49 Comments (2)  


   messageicon It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
←Rate | 04-28-2017 14:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:42 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:30 by Baddie Comments (3)  



Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left