Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   To catch a bus you have to think like a bus!

   The other idiots at the interview didn't stand a chance, I wore 4 ties.

   So you mean to tell me that speed dating doesn't involve methamphetamines?

   Girl stop spilling your crazy all over me!

   I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism".

   I asked her to take me somewhere I have never been before and she took me to church. :(

   If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply "I'm a lunatic" they won't ask any more questions.

   I've got 66 problems and one of them is that I'm upside down

   Pro Tip: If a girl asks you about your plans, there's a good chance she wants to be apart of them.

   happy 2 month anniversary to my 29 open browser tabs!

   Sorry I unliked your pic. My girlfriend ordered me to do it or I sleep on the couch tonight.

   Moving to a new place and people will have a compulsion to say, "but, you won't know anybody there." Like that's a bad thing.

   I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.

   I hope your favorite football team wins so that it changes your life in no way whatsoever.

   All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.

   Sometimes when I want to kill myself, I remember I have other personalities to consider. I'm thoughtful like that, always thinking of others.

   Some people hope their search for happiness ends in love and fulfillment, I just hope mine ends in minimal bloodshed and no felony charges.

   “Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore.

   I'm so drunk I could watch Fox News.

   The only thing that can spoil my holiday mood right now would be a direct debit order I completely forgot about.