Baddie Funny Status Messages

   'Spread the joy' is an excellent way to ask someone to open their legs.

   I get my revenge by sneaking into ladies public toilets at night and lifting all the toilet seats up.

   I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence

   My house is so messy, I swear when I walk through the front door I hear the "Sandford and Son" theme song playing.

   This one time my date was really ugly but I was horny so I roofied both our drinks :/

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

   Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.

   Show me on this voodoo doll where it would hurt you the most.

   The person who came up with the word "lisp" wath a real athhole

   I like picking up lone hitchhikers cause then when I am pulled over the weed is his.

   My wife said I never do anything for her so I packed her bags and put them outside.

   Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison. So much for complete cavity protection.

   Tried quitting my job today. But they just laughed and threw me back in my cell.

   How do I love thee? Let me count the empty cans.

   I don't like the term "substance abuse". I prefer "teaching substance a lesson".

   From now on just cross your heart, I'll take care of the hope you die part.

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.

   The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people only lived to the ripe old age of 30.

   Forrest Whitaker turned 51 today, his right eye turned 47.

   The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come into the room.