Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   Twitter files released. MSM: “What files? ~ Space Man Bad”

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   They say I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll just see about that.

   Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home, they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

   When you’re on your third “damn, that’s crazy” and they keep talking.

   The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.

   In France you don’t say “I miss you.” You say, “Tu me manques,” which means “you are missing from me.” I love that.

   The bird flu? I hope so.

   Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”

   Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.

   When she’s using her man’s phone to check the weather and wind blows her into his inbox.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of, it will be misspelled and without punctuation.

   Nurse: You may not feel anything from the waist down. Him: Just tits then?

   Someone living in their grandmother’s basement used to be the butt of the joke. The rental market is so insane that now it’s like, dam, you’ve got a whole basement to yourself, that’s sexy.

   I’m not here to fit into your world, I’m here to build my own world.

   Coffee: More than four cups and you can talk to electricity.