Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 09:23 Comments (3)  


   messageicon There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
←Rate | 07-12-2017 13:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
←Rate | 07-29-2017 08:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
←Rate | 07-31-2017 14:59 by Kev Walmsley Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...
←Rate | 08-18-2017 08:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.
←Rate | 08-28-2017 01:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.
←Rate | 05-15-2017 09:18 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.
←Rate | 05-23-2017 21:40 by Pj Comments (0)  


   messageicon I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
←Rate | 06-06-2017 08:25 Comments (1)  


   messageicon This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
←Rate | 06-27-2017 02:23 Comments (5)  


   messageicon My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 17:57 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
←Rate | 03-03-2017 07:07 by thejoke.cafe Comments (0)  


   messageicon My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:35 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (1)  


   messageicon Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
←Rate | 02-06-2017 07:50 by Mikey c Comments (1)  


   messageicon If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons
←Rate | 03-26-2017 19:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 16:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slay dragons and rescue her from castle towers. Not wash dishes and clean out the basement.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 12:18 Comments (1)  


   messageicon A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
←Rate | 09-02-2017 15:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
←Rate | 03-08-2017 07:50 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
←Rate | 03-05-2017 18:16 by X Comments (0)  



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