Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you use the term “butt hurt” a lot, no need for the rainbow sticker. We already know.
←Rate | 11-18-2017 05:19 Comments (1)  


   messageicon People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
←Rate | 06-06-2017 09:49 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes
←Rate | 11-19-2017 20:43 by Meh! Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 09:18 by MarkM Comments (0)  


   messageicon Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
←Rate | 09-27-2017 10:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
←Rate | 08-02-2017 07:45 Comments (1)  


   messageicon If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera
←Rate | 12-16-2017 06:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just ate a box of stove top stuffing in my underwear while laying on the couch. So if you're looking to me for something inspirational, you should probably look elsewhere.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 12:40 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history
←Rate | 02-08-2018 03:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them
←Rate | 02-10-2018 08:13 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon This dentist just told me I need a crown, and it's a relief to finally start getting some recognition around here.
←Rate | 03-08-2018 22:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
←Rate | 03-27-2018 14:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically
←Rate | 04-11-2018 09:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 00:25 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
←Rate | 09-08-2017 07:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 22:08 by EverybodyLovesRaytard Comments (0)  


   messageicon Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
←Rate | 10-15-2017 00:37 by markf Comments (0)  


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