snotty Funny Status Messages

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.

   But how are you supposed to do the sheep inventory, and NOT fall asleep on the job??!!..... *I said to HR during my exit interview

   I gained so much Winter weight, I had to go buy a pregnancy test just to be sure

   I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early

   [At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?

   Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.

   If having a dog has taught me anything,,, It's how to eat steak very quickly... *No chewing needed

   If you have feelings for me,,, thats your problem not mine,

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   "To be is to do" - Socrates... "To do is to be" - Nietzsche... "Do be do be do" - Sinatra... "Beep beep beep" - R2D2...

   Taco Bell is selling breakfast now?.. Cool, I guess I can move into the men's restroom... If you need me, I'll be in my new office.

   People who eat fish tacos: You realize you can get tacos that don't have fish in them,,, right?

   Wife swapping?..... Count me in... Here she is, you're in the middle of a divorce.

   You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those

   "How do you think you would like it if the tables were turned?"...... ~interior decorators

   They'll get it later, I tell myself after posets go unliked.... They'll all laugh later.

   If you've deactivated facebook, and someone tells you happy Birthday .. Marry that person

   If Evolution were REALLY a real thing,,,,, A LONG time ago, Men would have developed a defence to the ole "kick in the nuts"

   I think I deserve a bunch of "likes" just for deleting all the crap I had in my drafts folder...