Funny Status Messages
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Welcome to your 40s - you now think every car has its brights on. 
Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it's just my cat food.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Roadside sobriety test are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet .
A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions.
I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."
*gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*
I used to like watching dramas like the Days of Our Lives and As the World Turns, but now I have Facebook.
Disney has installed hand sanitizers to combat swine flu. And I was thinking, “Disney — if you’re really serious about not spreading swine flu, get that Donald Duck to start wearing pants.”
If where you live doesn't have numbers on it you really need to address that.
If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.
New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is "This next song is off of our new album".
Screenplay I’m working on: The entire world is taken over by our phones when they become sentient. Title: Planet of the Apps
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
"FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn
My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. 