snotty Funny Status Messages

   *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle

   FYI,,, Society has put an excessive amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   My father is at that age where he will have a full on conversation with a telemarketer.

   I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of lynyrd skynyrd history.

   Bringing the grandkids to Seaworld next week,, to swim with the sharks... It's Dolphins?.. Whatever...

   If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.

   It's kinda embarrassing that Nostradamus predicted we’d only have 5 Doritos flavors by 2014.. When we actually have like 15

   Pro tip - I'm not convinced any of you are qualified to give pro tips.

   Being married means you never hav--- WOULD YOU QUIT CHEWING SO GODDAMN LOUD?

   "As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits

   Men In Black, Panties..... #AddaWordRuinaMovie

   Why doesn't anybody like me? Asking for a friend.

   It puts the lotion on its skin,, or it gets the eczema again.

   [dog on trial for murder]... Lawyer: Who's a good boy?... Dog: I am... Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case....

   MARY: I'm worried Joe,, I found 4 bottles of wine in his room... JOSEPH: They were just water when he went in there, I'll have a talk with him.... *from upstairs* YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

   finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

   If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.

   Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???

   (Infomercial for toilets) *a man is walking around his house picking up turds... "There's got to be a better way??"

   Do country music artists know about better music?