Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if you are an atheist, and you're stuck behind a guy with a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker at a traffic light?

   My dog is one of those trained to sniff drugs!..he's brilliant and can even roll up his own $20 bill.

   Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

   Start each day with a smile and get it over with.

   One thing to say to the 93 year old lady who won the lottery, "Hey, How ya doin?"

   What I learned in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   You can't out run the law. A Chehalis Washington judge removes robe and gave chase and captured two handcuffed prisoners that fled his court room.

   I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.

   If Bon Jovi's farewell album isn't called Bon Voyage then what's the point?!?!

   Still surprised there isn't a 21st century version of the board game "Sorry" called "It's Somebody Else's Mistake".

   You unfriended me on Facebook because I didn't wish you a Happy Birthday on FB? That's a little harsh Mom.

   You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   If somebody just joined Facebook now either their 10 year prison stint is over or they're newly separated.

   My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

   Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

   Thanks to Brexit, British prostitutes are now a great deal pound for pound.

   By the time I get all these condoms unwrapped I had absolutely no interest in making balloon animals.

   Finally took my first selfie, and I think I heard Siri throw up a little in her mouth.

   I am neither analytically or emotionally intelligent enough to process the last 3 days so I'm just going to stand in a dark room and frown.