Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If a guy don't text you back, he's probably reading the bible or volunteering at an animal shelter. Men don't cheat, idk who lied to y'all.

   Kick the tires and light the fires, Israel. No point in waiting for a supportive US president now. Go Nuke Iran.

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.

   Still trying to figure out who defriended me...

   Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   Screw you IHOP...why the hell am I banned? The waitress clearly asked me where I wanted the whipped cream... I just showed her.

   Ladies, I'm already fat, so you know what I'll look like after we get married.

   Most women don't even need to workout. Y'all burn enough calories jumping to conclusions.

   Damn it!!! My neighbor mowed his grass, now I got to mow mine again. :/ I'm gonna lower my deck two notches lower than his, just to piss him off!!!

   I always keep a baseball bat under my bed, just in case someone breaks into the house and throws a ball at me.

   A psychologist cannot change a light bulb unless the light bulb really wants to change.

   Calm your tit. Just one tit. Leave your other one crazy and out of control. That's your party tit.

   I asked my kid, “Do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It's so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

   I'm feeling adventurous, so I'm going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish me luck!

   Today, I am reaching new heights, beating deadlines, achieving my goals without even being asked, staying committed & taking initiative. Today, I'm on leave!

   If nobody is talking about you, you must not be a very interesting person.

   Just bought a 12 pack and this first beer is the best beer I've ever had, but I better drink these other 11 to make sure...

   Babies are the 2 extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   I just invented a time machine for you so that you can travel back in time and, quite literally, go f*ck yourself. Twice.