jake Funny Status Messages

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.

   I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.

   Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.

   My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.

   Confuius said "Never check the depth of water with both feet."

   Dear hefty girl Walmart shopper. It may feel like summer, but your shirt and shorts are way to small. You look like a half open can of biscuits.

   Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.

   The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence

   Woman are the only creatures to defly the laws of gravity. The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

   People who don't have a dog, have to pick the food up them self that they drop on the floor .

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.

   Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."

   It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.

   I start wearing an earring when my wife found it in our bed.

   We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.

   The Quickest way to get a person to call you back. Take a bath.

   Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.