Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.

   Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.

   I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

   Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.

   If I give you a card for any occasion know that there is a 97% chance I bought it 30 minutes before I gave it to you & then signed it while parked in your driveway.

   Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive and dead, no question,,, I would want it to be Schrödinger's cat

   In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home, ,, The more homeless I look.

   I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.

   This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.

   There are now online dating sites for seniors... I bet that "forgot password?" button is gonna get used a lot.

   I think I hear an aftermarket muffler... I guess that means my pizza is here.

   If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.

   Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.

   If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.

   There's nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it's only lettuce :(