JAKE Funny Status Messages

   Most wives don't mind if their husband bring some work home to do. But my sister does, her husband is a mortician.

   Living in a nudist colony, takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.

   My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.

   Confuius said "Never check the depth of water with both feet."

   I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.

   Dear hefty girl Walmart shopper. It may feel like summer, but your shirt and shorts are way to small. You look like a half open can of biscuits.

   The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence

   Woman are the only creatures to defly the laws of gravity. The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

   Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.

   People who don't have a dog, have to pick the food up them self that they drop on the floor .

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.

   Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."

   It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.

   I start wearing an earring when my wife found it in our bed.

   We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.