Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   I like this mannequin challenge. It gets idiots to shut the hell up for a minute.

   Johnny Depp and his partner separated. They agreed to share custody of the kids, but are suing the hell out of each other over the scarves.

   My wife said I never do anything for her so I packed her bags and put them outside.

   Hey husbands, only 2 more days to get your wife a gift for Valentine's Day so she can be less angry at you for about 3 hours.

   Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.

   This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.

   Dude, if you've never hit the brakes while your girl was putting on lipstick…we'll never be friends.

   Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.

   Does this hot water bottle and 12 cats in my bed make me look like I've given up on life?

   I bought a used sex doll. I like a woman with experience.

   When a woman tells you 'you're cute', it means you're ugly and you just entered the friendzone.

   I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!

   I farted in Walmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work

   Christmas Gift idea: Take her to the Planetarium so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.

   Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?

   Dollar store pregnancy tests: For when you sorta wanta know

   maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.