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X Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don't know what they want until they see it.
X Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
X I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
X May you be as happy as a person in an infomercial today.
X I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.
X Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.
X I think this day just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...
X I need a way to change my relationship status to "Out of Order" or "Temporarily Out of Service."
X I read the rules and decided they are stupid so I will be making my own from now on.
X So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.
X When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.
X My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.
X Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.
X Seriously, if Liam Neeson was my dad I'd start so much crap with people...
X There are no winners in life... only survivors.
X The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart.
X I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
X I absolutely HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!
X Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?
X If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.