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X Do you know how much more gas mileage my car would get if it didn't have to haul my fat ass around?
X Gonna steal one of those "No interest for 12 months" signs from a store...and hang it on my life.
X I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."
X When in doubt, make the jerk-off hand motion.
X is The phrase "This sh*t is bananas" probably originated from the guy who had to clean out the monkey cage at the zoo.
X WHOA! Someone just explained to me that I don't get paid for updating my status. I'm going to miss you guys.
X Anyone have a truck I can borrow? I need to drag some ATMs about a mile or so
X It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.
X I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.
X If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
X I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill
X Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.
X It's kinda bullsh*t how humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.
X I can stop a speeding bullet. Once.
X I hate it when pedestrians get all up in my grill.
X I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.
X For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.
X No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.
X Note to self: I think we should see other people.
X Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.