Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.
←Rate | 05-31-2018 18:06 Comments (1)  


   messageicon If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
←Rate | 08-07-2018 06:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu
←Rate | 08-30-2018 12:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:31 by @thecatwhisperer Comments (0)  


   messageicon Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
←Rate | 07-15-2018 09:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet
←Rate | 10-16-2018 10:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.
←Rate | 01-16-2018 00:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot
←Rate | 01-23-2018 04:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?
←Rate | 02-01-2018 09:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history
←Rate | 02-08-2018 03:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them
←Rate | 02-10-2018 08:13 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 03:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
←Rate | 04-08-2018 14:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever
←Rate | 04-13-2018 05:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 22:08 by EverybodyLovesRaytard Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
←Rate | 09-25-2017 18:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tweet others the same way you want them to tweet you.
←Rate | 09-27-2017 12:48 Comments (0)  




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