Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think sleeping with your wife’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "O.J. , if granted parole where would you live...?" "Well, I'd like to take a stab at Florida......!!"
←Rate | 07-20-2017 19:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 08:31 Comments (1)  


   messageicon As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
←Rate | 08-05-2017 13:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?
←Rate | 08-06-2017 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.
←Rate | 08-08-2017 22:24 by Chencho Comments (1)  


   messageicon I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.
←Rate | 08-12-2017 07:15 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  


   messageicon People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
←Rate | 09-02-2017 06:40 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.
←Rate | 09-12-2017 08:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
←Rate | 09-15-2017 03:38 by AATON Comments (0)  


   messageicon The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.
←Rate | 09-18-2017 01:36 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys
←Rate | 09-18-2017 21:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather but there are no cows.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 08:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A smart man covers his ass. A wise man keeps his pants on.
←Rate | 10-13-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.
←Rate | 10-15-2017 00:19 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
←Rate | 04-13-2017 22:34 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon OJ said he has lived a conflict free life. Unless, he thinks you are or our have his property. Then watch out. Things get crazy.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 20:10 by Pj Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."
←Rate | 09-02-2017 07:07 Comments (0)  



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