Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
←Rate | 09-02-2017 06:40 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  

   messageicon A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.
←Rate | 09-03-2017 02:50 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 16:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.
←Rate | 10-16-2017 09:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 17:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......
←Rate | 01-17-2018 17:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot
←Rate | 01-23-2018 04:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best
←Rate | 02-15-2018 11:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most of my life goals don’t even include me in them.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 02:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
←Rate | 05-12-2017 10:18 by koolfingaz Comments (10)  

   messageicon Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet
←Rate | 05-16-2017 09:51 by Dp Comments (1)  

   messageicon I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.
←Rate | 06-22-2017 08:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
←Rate | 12-24-2017 20:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
←Rate | 04-06-2017 09:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
←Rate | 07-29-2017 08:02 Comments (0)  

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