santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.

   I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...

   What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke

   HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents

   Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.

   I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

   I'm 45 and I would still be tickled pink to wake up Christmas morning to a Barbie Dream House with accessories.

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

   The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.

   [a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean] Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.

   One Christmas eve, Santa was under a lot of stress. When an angel walk in with a tree and ask what he should do with the tree was how the tradition got started.

   Santa is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.